On the past Sunday I drank 4.5 liters of beer; and went to sleep around 5am. I woke up too late to catch my Japanese test in time; so I missed it. I figured I may as well be hung for a sheep as for a lamb; and so I skipped the whole day's classes. I used this time to write my last blog post. There were a lot of worms in it. These blogs are good for me; they help me articulate what goes on in my head; they give my personal demons names. My demons become much less terrifying when they take form under plain English.
I have too much money and not a lot of sense. I have been using my scholarship money mainly for drinking. It helps me talk to others. I am too introverted to take the initiative to try talking in Japanese without it. I wake up every second or third morning on a weekday with a hangover that prevents me from learning anything in Japanese class. Some of the other exchange students have become a bit cold toward me; they have identified me as a bad influence, an obstacle to their own goals.
I am in one of Japans most famous sporting universities; training as a guest in what is probably the most prestigious judo club in Japan. People work their ass off to be in my position. The way I am going; when I arrive back to Australia I will answer the question "so how was Japan?" with "yeah great, the beers at convenience stores are so cheap!". I did not come here for a international bar hop. I came to destroy my weaknesses and come back home someone different; someone stronger.
I drift through the day like a stale fart. I have been in this apathetic mindset before; I know it well. First you become indifferent to other people; then you become indifferent to life. Then you become a vegetable; you have no will to drag yourself out of bed. Once when I was 19 or so I vomited in my room after a heavy night of scotch and beer. I didn't clean it up for a week; because I couldn't summon the will to move my clothes off the floor and find what was making the smell. I slept in my own excrement much like swine do. I did not feel sorry for myself. I did not feel.
I worked for a homophobe in Australia; he joked with me how a colleague had torn pants; and was wanting to show some skin like a effeminate faggot (I am paraphrasing, but he definitely used the word faggot). I hear homophobic things often; it is because i do not look like what people think of when they think of homosexuality. I was talking with another exchange student the other week; he was explaining that he got lost and ended up in Shinjuku nichome. This area has the highest concentration of gay bars in the world. He told me he didn't like homosexuals. He shuddered as he said this; he was talking of subhuman beings. He said he was fine with them so long as they didn't touch him.
I had no intention of touching him. For a brief moment; I imagined doing terrible things to him. I think I can take a mans consciousness away from him in 10 seconds; depending on how much resistance I get, and what strangle I would use. I know how to castrate rams. I could make him my equal according to himself. It was only a brief indulgence; but was too much of a loss of control for me to feel comfortable with. I do not like feeling this way, but I feel it often. I feel this way at least once a month; when someone leans out of a speeding car and yells faggot at me; when I hear friends casually insult one another by calling each another my peer. I do not like wishing pure hatred on others. I did not like radiating hatred on this exchange student.
But at the same time; I want to thank him. He does not know of me; but I know of him. I know that a easily expressed truth would make him unwilling to talk to me any more. I have no uncertainty about how we will interact with one another in the future. I will be disinterested in anything he has to say; I will not confront him; but I will never seek to speak to him unless I need something from him. Most importantly; I want to thank him because he gave me a feeling. It cut through my indifference and reminded me of who I was; what my goals are; what I want from life. I do not want him to consider me his equal. I distrust in the concept of human empathy; at the best of times I think it is naive and at the worst of times I think it is willful self deception. I have no intention of becoming his equal. I want to surpass him in everything he has ever done, and I want to forget his name.
I got one of my tests back for Japanese. I failed it narrowly. I am in a class that is slightly too easy for my level of Japanese; it was a good fit for me when I was doing judo; because I didn't have the energy to study as much as i ought to. After my injury i used my freed time to drink. My marks suffered. I am falling short of my potential. After receiving my test score. I felt disgusted with myself. It was a feeling; I was no longer indifferent.
Bitter emotions are not positive experiences. But they bring a promise of better things. Feeling anger; loneliness; anything; is like the sweat that breaks a fever. Its uncomfortable; but it means your body is working for you again; fighting on your side. I drink to ameliorate my boredom. I am tired of living from drunken night to drunken night; treating alcohol as a palliative distraction. I am tired of hating people before I have spoken a single word to them. I am tired of losing my will to indifference.
I want to become the person I will be in the future. I have lived a long time in pessimism and fear. It has made me who I am. I distrust my friends and family; I distrust myself. I see enemies where there are none; I live in a dream world more terrible than any reality could be. I am tired of this person, I want this person to improve. Whoever this person could be; whatever they may be capable of; they have not reached their potential yet. Currently; they are in an embryonic state; imprisoned in my weaknesses. Their existence is not certain; I could fail and kill them before they get a chance to become me. I must remove my failings for this person to exist. Being indignantly angry at my own shortcomings helps; it means I want to improve and bring a better version of myself into existence.
I have quit alcohol before. I guess "quit" isn't really the right word if I still drink now. Maybe "hiatus" is a better word. For 2 1/2 years I didn't drink. My health improved quite a lot. I did not deal with stress well during that period. My social life withered and died. Sometimes when it got a bit much; I withdrew into my room. I couldn't smooth the edges off my life. People tried talking me into drinking; they did not understand why I was a teetotaller. I couldn't, or wouldn't express to them the life i wanted to put behind me.
I am thinking of doing so again. Quitting alcohol completely is easier than cutting back. This is because I usually don't drink with the intention of writing myself off; but the more inebriated I get, the more beers I want. The road to my vandalised liver will be paved with just one more drink. Its only ever just one more. Just one more is all it ever will be. Quitting entirely is cleaner and easier. I do not make the decision to quit lightly. Nor will I make this decision quickly. I have been thinking about it for about a week or so. I drank last night; and feel disgusted with myself. The same exchange student I was talking about before; he told me how red I looked last night. I am indignantly angry at the person he was talking about; that wastes his exchange by getting pissed every night in public. He gets out of bed hungover or still drunk; he doesn't study; his personal hygiene is poor. He must change.
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